Everyone has at least one of them - that bat-shit crazy old lady. Family gatherings are her perfect platform to spew the strangest, perfectly irrelevant information for the sake of trouble making, but we love her anyway, right? She makes it damn hard, though.
I swear she does it all on purpose like some king of twisted game to amuse herself, but for your entertainment (and my ranting purposes) here are some of her peculiarities in written form, sure to make you grieve for me and sigh in relief that you've got a relatively sane relative by comparison.
1. All Knowing and Wise - but didn't make it past 10th grade.
Old and seen a lot of crazy shit over the years, Grandma began adult life exceptionally young and had her own rascally brood of children long before she turned 18. She hardly finished her freshman year of high school before calling it quits, but has maintained "Matriarchy Status" ever since. All knowing a wise, she has advice and recommendations for everyone, everyone. I'm not sure how she came to know everything there is to know about everything. Most recently she has instructed my dad, a seasoned builder, exactly how he should remodel his bathroom - complete with instructions ;) When he didn't take her advice there was hell to pay!
2. She's Packing Serious Heat!!
There are very few things more precious to Grandma than her guns. Believe it or not, she has a special purse to hold a handgun and carries it everywhere, but has never used it or had need to use it. She also sleeps with a loaded gun in her nightstand beside her bed, you know, in case she needs it. Ironically, there's never been a break in at the house, never an intruder, suspicious people loitering, or so much as a car break-in. She hasn't fired a gun in at least 15 years and probably is unable to fire a gun at all on account of her severe arthritis in her hands and fingers. She's more likely to hurt herself from the kickback than a person cornering her in a parking lot. Not to mention the gun is not in a gun safe and there's a 2 year old in the house who easily can find it :( She refuses to buy a gun safe and keep her weapons there. Don't ask me why. In my opinion she doesn't need a gun at all since she carries a taser and pepper spray with her as well, which are equally effective. She simply enjoys exercising her 2nd amendment rights, which ironically do not include responsibility.
3. She's A Diehard Republican No Matter How Crazy They Get
Tied to much of what has been previously said, Grandma is freakishly Conservative. No matter what is the Republican platform she's all for it, even if they took away her Medicare or her Social Security. She blames any short comings on Obama. She will vote for a Republican simply for the group, not the individual candidates and their promises. For that she has unwittingly pledged her full support on Donald Trump despite his refusal to conform with traditional Republican ideals and principles. She claims to research him and find him suitable, but if she supports him that translates to me that she's a racist. She also insists she's right, although, her one source of information for all decision making is the not-so-legit Fox News. She's 100% against ObamaCare - because she doesn't think poor people deserve it (even though she never worked a full time job in her life). She opposes free education because she thinks it will overrun the job market - never went to college herself.
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